It
can be quite difficult having a foster child in your home. He or she
may have been placed in your home because of abuse or neglect from his
family. Perhaps he was in danger from parents who were abusing
themselves. Whatever the reason for his placement into the child
welfare’s custody, your foster child has most likely come to you with
some emotional problems and is struggling with the loss of his family.
As
a foster parent, it is part of your job to help your foster child deal
with these issues, and help him adjust to his new environment, as well
as develop a positive and loving relationship with him.
However,
there is another part of your role as a foster parent that can be
extremely difficult: co-parenting. When a foster parent shares the
nurturing of a foster child alongside the birth parents and caseworker,
reunification tends to happen at a quicker and more successful rate.
Co-parenting sees you, as a foster parent, working alongside the
biological parents of the child living under your roof and with your
family. This may be the more difficult part of your job. Not only will
the foster child benefit from this improved relationship, but hopefully,
the biological parents will also benefit as they learn positive
parenting skills from the foster parents.
There are a number of
strategies that will reduce the stress that you, as a foster parent, can
use when working with birth parents.
Do
Do be a role model
As a foster parent, you will be a role model for countless
people, as many eyes will be upon you. Not only will you be a role model
for your foster children, but for the public as a whole. Foster
parenting will be on display for all to see as you undertake your role
as a foster parent. Perhaps others will be impressed by your role and
will wish to become a foster parent, or in the very least, help out.
For
birth parents and family members, you might be the best example of a
good parent. Everything you do as a foster parent will send signals to
the biological parents on how a parent should act, as well as how to
treat their own children. When your foster child meets with his birth
parents for visitations, he should be well dressed, clean, healthy and
looking his best. His hair should be combed with nails cut.
After all, you are sending a message that he is worthy of your best attention and care.
Do answer questions honestly
Upon meeting the birth parents for the first time, there are
bound to be questions from both you and the birth parents. Your foster
child’s family members will want to know what kind of family their child
is living with, what his home life will be like, if he is being taken
care of and many other concerns. After all, their child has been taken
away from them, against their wishes, and placed in a strange home. They
will have many concerns and may not be as courteous as you might like.
Be
prepared for them to be hostile, rude, angry or even distant. Remember
that they are hurting and have been through a traumatic experience with
the removal of their child. Respectfully encourage them to ask you as
many questions as they would like. It is important that you answer their
questions as honestly and openly as possible, treating them with the
utmost integrity, kindness and politeness. Remember that you are
modeling good adult behavior to them, as well as to your foster child.
Do ask about their child
Your foster child’s biological parents and family members will
know him better than anyone. And your meeting with them will offer you
the opportunity to learn a great deal about him, as well as acquire
important information you might need. A list of prepared questions will
help you gather the information you need.
When you ask questions
about their child, you are showing the birth parents that you are
interested in him and his well being. By indicating with your questions
that his parents are the experts, you will begin to form a relationship,
one that will benefit all involved.
Don't
Do not pass judgement
Maybe you disagree with their parenting style. Maybe their
morals and values differ completely from yours. Maybe they have said
mean things to you. But it is vital that you do not prejudge them before
you meet them.
Consider that many biological parents of foster
children were abused themselves, and they know no other way when raising
children. Also disturbing is that some birth parents were foster
children and are just repeating the cycle they went through as a child.
Certainly, there are reasons why their children are in care that we may
never understand. Not only can we stay positive and keep a good
attitude, we can also treat our foster child’s birth parents with the
same dignity, respect and kindness that we would want displayed towards
the children, or towards us.
Do not ignore them
Your foster child’s family will likely be very curious about
you. If they have not already asked questions about you and your family,
take time to share with them some information. Let them know that you
are excited to have their child in your home for the time being. Tell
them about some of the traditions in your home. Reassure them that their
child will not only be safe in your home, but will be cared for and
given plenty of positive attention. The more assurance birth parents
have that their child is in a good home, the better the relationship
will be between the two of you.
Do not be unprepared for visitations
For foster children, visitations have many positive
attributes. To begin with, your foster child’s visit with his biological
family members will likely reduce his sense of abandonment by them.
Hopefully, his sense of self-worth and importance will be bolstered, as
he feels reassured that his parents will continue to love him, something
he may very well doubt and struggle with internally.
By
expressing his feelings to them, he may continue to heal emotionally.
His birth parents may also reassure him that he is in a good home with
you, and that he needs to listen to you and follow your rules, thus
strengthening his own relationship with you. In fact, the children who
visit with their birth parents on a regular basis are less likely to
exhibit behavioral problems in your home and in school. As their level
of anxiety decreases, they will become better adjusted to placement
within your family.
Summary
As
a foster parent, it is crucial to remember that your foster child’s
biological parents are people in need. There are reasons why their child
is in foster care and under your supervision. These parents may lash
out at you and the caseworker. They may have treated their own child in
cruel and horrible ways. Yet, they still deserve your kindness and
sympathy, not your anger. By working with them and showing them kindness
and compassion, you will not only help them, but you will also teach
your foster child an important lesson in love and humanity.
More expert advice about Adoption and Foster Care
